Divorcing A Narcissist

The divorce process is often an emotionally and financially  challenging experience regardless of the circumstances. Now throw in navigating the divorce process with a spouse who has a narcissistic  personality, now things are more challenging. Fortunately, there  are ways to prepare yourself and help reduce the stress and challenges clients may feel when divorcing a narcissist.  

Identify an End Goal / Set Boundaries 

The way the Narcissists act can leave you distracted and hard to follow. They are notorious for lying, dragging things out and  creating new ones  Be sure to identify an end goal from the start to help you stay focused and allow you to use your energy to get to your end goal.  When they try to throw curve balls, stay on course and do not entertain every argument they throw your way. As they say, "Choose your battles" 

It is often beneficial to set boundaries and know what behaviors will  be tolerated from the narcissist. Even if they push back or violate  them, having tangible boundaries will help you avoid being taken  advantage of, and fighting pointless battles. 

Timing is Everything 

Immediately have your attorney conducts discovery. When the Narcissist is forced to respond to discovery early on in the divorce process it gives them less time to be deceitful and hide assets and money.  Narcissists often drag things out to try and avoid disclosing  financial  information . A narcissist may attempt to transfer funds to different bank accounts or to someone elses name,  sell properties or other assets,stall or purposefully misplace important  documents. 

The sooner a narcissist is forced to respond to discovery, the less  time afforded to engage in deceitful behavior. Ensure your attorney  follows up consistently with opposing counsel to better manage the  narcissist during the discovery process. 

Also, have your attorney file for temporary relief  and/or injunctions before the narcissist is able to fabricate a story and come up with a plan to avoid financial obligations. It is important to get court orders on even temporary matters from the start. This will force the narcissist hand and take away some of their power to manipulate and try to strong arm or control the situation.  

Put Everything in Writing 

I can not stress how extremely important it is to put all communications in writing, email or text.  This will allow you to have communications documented and formalized to avoid allowing the narcissist to deny communications and possibly delay the divorce process & change or lie about the situation. Most communication should come from  your attorney.  Only respond to emails  or text messages which are absolutely necessary. Do not entertain the toxic conversation or react when they try to push your buttons.  

Any verbal agreements with narcissists are ineffective and leave their spouse thinking that they will cooperate and agree on terms and then then not hold up to their end of what they agreed to. If the narcissistic spouse refuses  to cooperate and sign an agreement previously reached, the attorney must  document all negotiations.  This may be future evidence of the  narcissist’s unwillingness to cooperate and show how the litigious  behavior increased fees.   You may be able to recover the fees for this work done by your attorney.  

Remain Calm

Dealing with a narcissist is extremely frustrating, however, the  solution is to combat narcissistic behavior strategically and  cautiously, especially when in court.

To the extent it is possible, remain calm and  take the high road when dealing with a narcissist. Most narcissists have  difficulty keeping their story straight and their manipulative ways  eventually unfold.